and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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