i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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