the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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