So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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