It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
