I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
