Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
