Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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