My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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