I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
