Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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