Need sex. Gaining weight.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
