Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
