i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
