I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I think my fart just growled at me.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
