Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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