Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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