I can text with my tongue
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
