Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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