Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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