Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
