I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
