I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
