I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
