I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
