I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
