I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Michael Bay diarrhea
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Randomize
