Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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