The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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