I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
