Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
