why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
