I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Maybe he injected his testicle?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
