If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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