There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
