I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
