On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
