How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
