i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
why do cheetos always look like penises
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
