watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
