my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
