I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
