I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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