I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
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That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
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I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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