Please, let me fuck your mom
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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