you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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