I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
