I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
