If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I puked a lego.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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