If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
