i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize