My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Randomize
