Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
We just shotgunned beers for America
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
