i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
