I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
