Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
