Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
