Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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