she was so not down for the gang bang
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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