my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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