you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
