when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
